Chris Townley

my blog has moved!

2010-08-09T12:29:00.002-06:00

in case you're waiting around over here waiting for me to blog... you'll be waiting along time!

join me @ christownley.com, instead! goodbye blogspot, it's been a nice ride.

church and country music sold separately

2010-06-17T12:02:00.003-06:00

first things first, i'm sorry for leaving you hanging on day #2 of my retro diary! life happened fast upon my return and put the diary (errr, i mean, "man journal") on the back burner. however, i am putting on the front burner and writing about day #3 today! get excited and get lots in the words...

day number three started out without some good ol' bible verses blowing my mind. check out isaiah 58 :6-10 and you'll see how it related to all things ethiopia and the work we were setting out to do.

with those words in my heart we headed off to church. yoseph, our translator, was taking us to the church that he attended. i was trying to prepare myself for an all amharic service... but my expectations were not enough to prepare for the passion and joy resounding throughout the building. i guess you could say that no one knows how to worship better than the africans!

i didn't understand a single word (except the amharic word for "thank you") but i was still moved by the mighty power of a worldwide God. incredible, really. my feeble words would not do the experience justice.

however, another thing that i'll take away from attending church in ethiopia is this: their pastor broke out a solo in the middle of the sermon (apparently this is quite common) and i plan on adding this to my preaching repertoire in the future. stay on the edge of your seat in anticipation for that one!

after spending a few hours at church, and having yoseph usher us out early (because "he didn't know when the service might end"), we headed back to the guest home. while there we spent our time playing and interacting with the local kids. what a blast! soccer, football, circus moves, vocab lessons. and then from there we headed to an ethiopian restaurant for dinner. no one spoke any english there (and we were without our translator!) so we said we'd like pasta. they knew the word pasta and wrote down 10 orders of pasta. a few minutes later they came back and said they didn't have pasta. in the end, they had pasta. typical ethiopian exchange, to say the least. all the while we laughed and smiled.

then our pasta arrived! spicy meat sauce but absolutely delicious. although, our dinner was the best part of our evening. while we were eating there was ethiopian techno music playing in the background and then out of nowhere clint back is blasting through the speakers (check it out!)! a special country music gift just for us...

you can't help but love ethiopian hospitality.

bright hope and cultures colliding

2010-06-02T11:32:00.006-06:00

on my second day in ethiopia i was up and at em bright and early. i guess it would be safe to say that i was a bit excited. you see, today we were going to our first introduction to bright hope school (the school and students we had traveled all this way to serve).

on our drive there i was witness to the collision of cultures. young boys were shepherding their flock of sheep along the sidewalk. men were breaking apart asphalt with a sledgehammer all the while hammering away near their shoeless toes. some men were dressed in suits driving a mercedes. women were hauling pounds of sticks on their backs. young kids were polishing shoes on the street corner with a coca-cola sign as their backdrop. donkeys, cows, goats, and dogs stood mindlessly in the road. huts and shops made of tin and mud lined the roads. some places had yards. some places were developed. like i said, the cultures were colliding.

then we roll up to a gate that provides access to a leper community. we needed to drive through the community (in the district of addis known as korah, which i'll talk more about in a later post) in order to reach the gates of the school.

once we enter bright hope we're greeted by muzgabu, a bubbly, smiling, grateful, one-legged (he lost a leg years ago in a war) man. he tells that all we need to do is touch the wall and it will grow. all we need to do is touch they chicken coups and they will grow. all we need to do is touch the garden and it will grow. you could say he has the gift of encouragement! we tour the school grounds and get a small (very, very small) idea of what we'll be doing in a couple days when we begin working. it is all quite surreal.

bright hope is a public school in the middle of one of the most impoverished and forgotten districts of addis ababa yet it sits on this pristine hillside nestled up next to looming eucalyptus tree and lush, green acreage. it lives up to it's name, bright hope. bright hope smack dab in the middle of hopelessness. only God could have led us to such a destination. muzgabu says we are part of the hope and we tell him we're just thankful that God has allowed us to be a part of it.

yoseph the admirable: our ethiopian translator

2010-05-31T17:31:00.002-06:00

here is the first installment of my ethiopia retro diary (or retro "journal" if that sounds more masculine)...

day #1:

i'm going to skip the flying and travel portion of the trip. we sat on planes for a long time. the end. when we arrived in addis ababa, ethiopia late at night the city was a sea of black. almost eerily dark for a city of 4 million people. turns out not much of addis is turned off during the night or doesn't have any electricity to turn off anyway. the next morning i was awakened by chanting prayers echoing from the nearest mosque. i groggily walked downstairs, and after i came to the realization i was actually in ethiopia, i began enjoying some fresh brewed coffee, waffles, and authentic mango juice. not exactly the third world i had imagined in the darkness. however, that imagining would become reality a few hours later as we drove through the city.

on our first day we met our translator, Yoseph, who would be our translator for our entire stay. a lot happened on this first day but it was mostly just one big sensory overload that i can't quite contain with words. so instead of listing this thing i saw and that thing i saw, i want to tell you about my newest friend, Yoseph. here's his story. may it inspire you as it's inspired me and may it make you say “only God” as it's made me say the same thing.

Yoseph grew up in addis ababa. his mother was a prostitute and consequently he never knew his father. when Yoseph was young, around the age of 10, his mother died from AIDS (his age and the time frame of all this is a little scattered in my mind but the details are strikingly clear). Yoseph was now an orphan. he lived on the streets for around 3 years doing what it took to survive. after he had lived on the street for these few years he was found and taken in by christian children's fund (now known as child fund international). he was given the case number 485 and was soon sponsored by a man in pennsylvania (a man who still doesn't know the impact he had on one boy's life). Yoseph's sponsor provided him with food, shelter, and an education. through this process and the influence of those at CCF Yoseph found Jesus. he knew that the rescue that had taken place in his life could only be attributed to Jesus and he committed to following Him for the rest of his life. Yoseph went on to finish college (where he studied marketing) and through all the education he received, he learned a valuable amount of english. Yoseph, now 29, has a wife and a 4 year old son. although he makes a living as a translator at the ethiopia guest home (where we stayed) he also spends his time pouring back into the kids on the very same streets he survived. his passion and goal is to start a ministry called Case 485 that ministers to the children on the streets of addis as well as pastor a church (i think we're kindered spirits!).

Yospeh shared this story with us the very first day we were there and i only grew to admire him more as i got to know him throughout our stay. i can't tell you enough how amazing of a man he is and how much I appreciate his heart and his friendship. my goal is to make my life count for the glory of Jesus like my friend, Yoseph, is doing. in fact, let's all make that our goal.

i met the future Prime Minister of Ethiopia!

2010-05-27T15:06:00.004-06:00

just got back from ethiopia last night... i'm tired on many different levels. however in the days to come i'll be giving you a retrospective of my time there. but in the meantime here's a post from my time there. you can check out what other members of my team had to say here: www.journeyweb.net/ethiopiahopeblog

here's my post:

hi. my name is chris townley and i won! that’s right, i won… the birth lottery. and i won a game of thumb war against my new friends (and Bright Hope students) samell (6^th grade) and barnabas (8^th grade). but that’s not the point. the point is i had the privilege of being born in the U.S. and samir and barnabas were born in ethiopia with a lot less than myself. the difference between us is why i’m here. it reminds me of this haitian proverb that says something like, “God gives us everything we need, He just doesn’t share.” this may or may not be theologically correct but it is at the heart of what i’ve been experiencing in addis ababa, ethiopia. i need to share. i need to share money, time, experience, comfort, and love because sharing makes me, and those i share with, come alive.

it really is the sight of the kids that breaks apart my insides. children without homes or parents or food or water or extra clothes. how can this not shatter my heart? i have all of those things and i want to do my best to “give freely as i have received” (matthew 10:8). really, what i want to do is love these kids like Jesus loves me and today our team was privileged to love in a number of ways.

we moved huge boulders. we moved tiny rocks. we mixed cement… by hand! we moved some more rocks. we stacked rocks. we crushed big rocks into small rocks. you get the idea, right? today rocked!

we also got to explain to the students why we were there. some asked if we were charging them to build the wall, we told them it was because we loved them. some tried to do the work for us so we wouldn’t have to carry large loads of stones, they told us they loved us. it was a battle of serving one another. a beautiful thing!

i even had an 8^th grade girl ask me what my future plans were (to which my answer is irrelevant) and when i returned the question she told me that she wanted to be Prime Minister of Ethiopia. maybe i shook hands with the future of Ethiopia. what are your future plans?

the above thoughts are as jumbled as the experiences of the last 4 days. but wait! there’s more…

as we filled up sacks with avocado sized stones and hauled them some 500 yards down a skinny, hiking-trail-like path our backs started to ache, our arms began to feel weak, and our legs were shaking. but the 4 women who were carrying sacks of stones with us were as strong as the very rocks on their backs. they set the tone. they were the definition of strength and perseverance. and they did all this in plastic, slip-on shoes. i don’t think i can accurately describe the inspiration that radiated from these women. i can tell you, honestly, i’m not that strong.

you see, i want to do everything i can to emulate the joy of the Bright Hope students and the shear will of these ethiopian women. and in the process of learning, sharing, changing, and breaking i want my privileged american life to exude the love of Jesus, because if it does not show love it is utterly meaningless. today my life had meaning.

you don’t necessarily need to travel to ethiopia in order to experience love and meaning… but i’d say the trip would be well worth it!

which way is right?

2010-05-08T17:27:00.004-06:00

i don't know about you but i spend a lot of time dreaming big dreams and then trying to decide what dream i'm "allowed" to pursue... if you will. that means i try to discern God's voice in the midst of my noisy life and that's never easy. i try to make sense of verses like this:

"my thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. for just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
isaiah 55:8-9

so today i was reading a book by the late kyle lake and he shared a prayer inspired by the above verses. i thought it was worth sharing. because, for me, it's worth praying.

here it is:

God, i hold fast to You right now for who You are, knowing full well that at this very moment You are not like me and i am not like You. right now, my thoughts are not Your thoughts, my ways are not entirely Your ways, my values are not entirely Your values. but, God, i still cling to You, and i approach my future amid this inevitable conflict of interests between Your ways and Your thoughts and my ways and my thoughts. and when Your ways and Your thoughts conflict with mine, i will strive to be the one who changes.

anticipating adventure... in ethiopia!

2010-05-06T18:07:00.003-06:00

in 6 days i'll be on my way to ethiopia. yeah, that's right... ethiopia. and to be honest with you i don't even know how to prepare. i, mean, besides pack my bag, get my shots, snag a visa, and pray. it's not as if i can simulate the smells, the sights, the emotions.

i'm going over there with a team of 8 people and we're going to "build a wall"... or so we intend. there is a school there, bright hope school, that we've been supporting (we as in journey church). we've helped fund a well (a huge deal), a garden, chicken coups, chickens, chicken feed, and wall material. this wall is going to surround the school compound and property.

bright hope is in the middle of a nasty neighborhood in addis ababa. therefore, the wall is needed for protection. and that's where our team comes in. all i know about the building process for this wall is that the ethiopians do it old school. dig a trench. crush rock for cement. that kind of thing. again, how can i prepare for such a process? (i'm bringing work gloves and i'm doing lots of push-ups and crunches).

obviously, i don't know much. but what i do know- i need your help. and it's simple, really. could you pray for our team? think about our team? send good thoughts to our team? whatever it is you might do, could you do it for our team? because my hope is that we humbly enter another culture and another country and somehow make a difference... thanks in advance!

are you waiting for wagons and oxen? i was!

2010-04-30T15:01:00.005-06:00

let's be honest... sometimes we read something (say, the bible) and it bores us, or puts us to sleep, or downright confuses us. i was reading my bible the other day (as i strive to read thru the bible in a year) and was wading through the book of numbers (which is full of words! who knew?).

here's what it says in numbers 7:6 & 9...

so moses took the wagons and oxen and presented them to the Levites (v.6)... but he gave none of the wagons or oxen to the Kohathite division, since they were required to carry the sacred objects of the tabernacle on their shoulders (v.9).

at first, this didn't mean anything to me. maybe i was just sleepy. but then God dropped this on me: there are times He will give us wagons and oxen and there are times He will want us to carry the objects.

what i'm learning in all this is that God will not make easier what wasn't intended to be easy.

God had called the kohathite division to carry the sacred objects of the tabernacle on their shoulders. this was their act of obedience, their burden to bear and because of this it was no accident or coincidence that God did NOT give them wagons and oxen as a gift. if He had done that, He would have removed their calling and their obedience.

God will not make easier what wasn't intended to be easy. And the truth is that following after God with our whole lives is NOT always easy. the faith comes into play when we are challenged to believe that the hard times are worth it. my prayer for you and for me is that we stop waiting for God to provide wagons and oxen and instead carry the sacred objects to the other side (the other side of where we are now). and let's not forget that God will be with us the entire time...

Mayday!

2010-04-29T16:11:00.004-06:00

in the world of Stu Min (student ministries abbreved) we're about to embark on a series that we're calling... Mayday! When It All Comes Crashing Down.

and it's already hitting me in the deep, open portions of my heart. as i wrote yesterday, my heart is heavy with the heartache that inflicts our world. i have friends who lost a mother unexpectedly today, friends who lost a cousin to suicide yesterday, and friends who long to separate themselves from the drama of their world and find meaning, find who God created them to be. i feel this pain and God feels this pain. that's the motivating factor (and hope) for this series.

we all reach moments where all we can do is shout out "mayday!" because it really IS all crashing down. we're all the same. we're all in need of help. you see, it's a bit overwhelming to tackle a topic that hits all of us square in the chest. i'm trying to remember that i know a God who's proved His love. i'm trying to remember that God has shown us that He cares when He let Jesus hang on a cross. what proof! and i pray that my response to such unconditional love can only be more love. so for everyone that's crashing, remember there's Someone catching... because He loves you (and me).

let's pray that the students who are in ear shot, and anyone you know, can embrace such love and be rescued because of it. and remember, when we shout "mayday!" God can hear us.

i need to write aimlessly

2010-04-28T22:41:00.003-06:00

i need to write aimlessly for a paragraph.

i'm not in california anymore. things are not sunny and easy and filled with vacation. the world is broken. i feel helpless when all i want to do is help. i see confusion and frustration and disappointment and discontent. i feel the reality of death. not just the death that follows life but the death of purpose and meaning. the death of souls and hearts. where is all the hope?

i need to continue writing aimlessly.

i want to bring hope. i want to bring hope because i believe that there is ALWAYS hope. i want to hug and teach and love and direct. i want to influence and save and console. i want everyone to have something worth living for. i want everyone to experience the person that God created them to be. i want to see the lost come home and the downtrodden redeemed. i want everyone to realize it's not over yet.

i'm writing aimlessly because it's only just begun. i want people to keep fighting. i want people to realize that they have something to live for even if they don't realize it just yet. i want to see people persevering rather than giving up. i want people to experience grace and peace. love and mercy. the kind that i, or anyone else, can't give. i want to see Jesus save you, just like He saved me. and i want to play a part in that story...

sunnyish california

2010-04-28T14:24:00.003-06:00

i just returned from vacation in sunny (even though it wasn't SUPER sunny) california. my wife and i spent a week in the LA area while also attending catalyst west coast. it was one of those getaways that was much needed and one we were looking forward to.

and the week was amazing! we were refreshed, rejuvenated, inspired, and challenged. however, that's not why i'm writing all this.

on the last day of our vacation, the freakin' devil tried to destroy all the "good" that happened. our plan on the last day was to hit up a coffee shop near LAX and digest much of what we learned at the conference. and as we were driving in the city the devil began attempting to thwart our plans. we couldn't get through traffic fast enough to get to the coffee shop. our gps ("maggie") was acting up (she was being bossy!). time was running out and we started to get cranky.

we never made it to that coffee shop but we did avoid leaving with a sour taste in our mouth. we tried to make the best of a less than ideal situation. the cool thing about all of this is that once we landed we still had a two hour drive home (you might not think that's cool). and THAT was when God allowed us the opportunity to digest. we had one of the best car rides of all time!

the point to all of this (as it's becoming obvious one doesn't exist) is that the devil tried to derail our whole vacation by crashing the last day. which i know isn't a point. all i know is that God had something better in mind and i'm thankful for that.

instant dream machine

2010-04-20T13:38:00.004-06:00

if you are one of the few (i stress few) who frequent here then you know i spend a decent amount of time discussing dreams. not like, "i was asleep and now i need help interpreting my dream" type of dream. but the kind we all have stirring in our hearts. the kind that defines what we want to be, who we want to become, what we want to accomplish.

i've mentioned that i have some dreams. i dream of planting a church, or living in ethiopia, or coaching college basketball (or maybe just a high school head coach), or speaking at conferences. or writing a book.

and here's what i know about that: my dreams won't come true in an instant. dreams are not like coffee. which is unfortunate because i love coffee. i won't instantly find myself in the middle of one of my dreams living the dream... and that's just fine.

you see, things that matter take time. they cost something. we have to put in the time and the work. and that, too, is just fine. i'm learning that my dreams won't happen all at once. i'm willing to work a job i love (i understand i'm fortunate to be able to type that and mean it) and intentionally do things that will help my dreams come true.

i'll speak in front of people. i'll coach the freshman basketball team. i'll go on short-term trips to ethiopia. i'll blog. i'll lead people, love people, serve people and all the while allow God to prepare me for the dreams i dream.

don't settle for all your dreams or nothing at all. pursue parts of your dream. work hard, pray hard, have fun, and put in the time because eventually you'll find that your dream has been assembled. assembled because of the investment, not in an instant.

what investment do you need to make in order to experience your dreams?

don't be lazy!

2010-04-18T16:50:00.003-06:00

i'll keep this short:

i'm in the process of preparing a message (some people call it a sermon). i am going to talk about joseph. the one with the fancy robe, hated by his brothers, sold into slavery, master of dreams.

i was perusing genesis 37 and the following chapters trying to decide what sections of verses i wanted to use when i realized... I'M BEING LAZY!

sometimes i have a tendency to rely on what i already know, what i believe, what i think is good or right or best. you might have this tendency too. well, i realized that lazily sifting through scripture will never equal submersing myself in it. and life change rarely follows lazy. with that said, i've gotta go. i have some bible to read.

and maybe that's what you need to do, too. throw what you know out the window and find out what God is promising you. i'd rather be in the presence of God than in the presence of me! let's stop being lazy about it.

i might sound prideful... because, i am!

2010-04-15T16:54:00.006-06:00

warning: i am about to sound somewhat cocky. i don't mean it that way. instead, i'm being transparent in my pride. feel free to pray for me!

ever since i was little i've been a winner. i'm extremely competitive (perhaps an understatement) and have been long before i can even remember my childhood. i would win spelling competitions and foot races. i would be the first one done w/ a test and i'd be the first captain at recess. i'd win the pine car derby race and i'd win the citizenship award.

and then i got to high school where i spent a lot of time winning basketball games. i won a state championship. i won friends. i won good grades. i won best personality.

and then i won a college scholarship. i won more basketball games. i won more friends and more good grades (plus a couple bad ones!). you see, i spent a lot of time being successful.

then i got a job. then i got promoted. then i got more responsibility. then i got to stand in front of thousands of people and speak. then those people told me i did a good job. then i got more responsibility. then i was in the loop.

and then, today, i realized that my success (which i do my best to attribute solely to God) is often my god. i find comfort and affirmation and productivity in my success. and then i start to take credit or at least feel like i deserve credit. i realized that i want to win more than i want to pursue God.

i forget the sacrifice that Jesus paid so that i might be successful in His name. i forget the magnitude of the cross. i forget that i can't do anything of worth without my Savior. today i realized that success is not my list of accomplishments but, instead, success is giving the credit to God. the God with Whom all things are possible... all things including a selfish, prideful person like me coming out as a winner in the end.

you know, because i've already won and it wasn't anything that i did. here's to a new kind of winning... and it all starts with giving the credit where credit is due. thank you, Jesus.

i'm trying to be more disciplined...

2010-04-12T21:53:00.002-06:00

no discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it's painful! but afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.

hebrews 12:11

i'm trying to become more disciplined. and as you can imagine this process hasn't been all flowers and butterflies. it's been challenging.

you see, i'm trying to be more disciplined about praying with focus.

i'm trying to be more disciplined about confessing my sin.

i'm trying to be more disciplined about meeting with brothers in Christ so that i might be held accountable. so that i might be challenged and encouraged.

i'm trying to be more disciplined about spending meaningful time with those who don't know the love of Jesus. and then sharing it.

i'm trying to be more disciplined about showing my wife that i love her.

i'm trying to be more like Jesus, and for me, right now, that means a call to discipline with the intention of being a disciple. what do you need to do to become a disciple of Jesus?

the brightest hypocrite

2010-04-01T11:04:00.005-06:00

the brightest hypocrite

i cannot see the distance
i cannot see the shore
it seems i've lost the sky
and i can't find the floor

i am in the middle
and i am insecure
i am the brightest hypocrite
and i am what i fear

i cannot find the sunshine
i cannot find the cloud
it seems i've lost the limelight
deep inside the crowd

i'm a broken instrument
i'm a wretched noise
i am now the feedback
deafening my poise

i am not the desert
i am not the beach
i'm not quite the devil
and i'm not yet out of reach

now i can see the light
now i can feel the sea
it seems i've gained my vision
and grace has rescued me

the fridge revisited

2010-03-31T14:25:00.003-06:00

have you ever been "convicted" (not by the court or police)? just in general... convicted in terms of your behavior and lifestyle. that's the "convicted" that i'm talking about. whatever your answer is to that question know that my answer is a resounding, YES.

recently, i had the pleasure of being convicted of the way i was praying... or rather, not praying. you see, i claim that prayer is an important aspect of my life and my job, yet i struggle consistently with consistent prayer. maybe you're like me and you are nodding your head in agreement with my struggle.

let me share with you how my "convictedness" (not a real word, btw) has moved me to active change. you may remember awhile back when i wrote about my fridge idea and how i was using our big, white fridge as a means to enhance my prayer life. well, i've taken this to another level. yes, i've spent more time writing on my fridge but i've also spent more time praying. interesting correlation, huh?

i was recently listening to a podcast from steven furtick where he talked about praying for the people of his church. he talked about how he prayed that they might KNOW God more, not know more ABOUT God.

and that's when i was convicted. he was praying for a congregation of 5,ooo people. i wasn't even praying. at least i can only improve!

so here's what i've done: i've centered my prayer life around ephesians 1:16-20. i've started praying this prayer for every student who attends The SLAM and The 6-ONE-6. i've filled my fridge with the initials of all these students. i filled my fridge with the initials of all the players i coach for basketball.

you see, i realized this isn't about me. i can't do this (or anything) on my own. students' lives will change only when God changes it. and there's no better place for all of this to start than in the hands of God. so that's why i pray.

frosted mini wheats

2010-03-22T12:44:00.004-06:00

when i was young, probably in middle school, i had this perfectionist problem. you see, i'd eat frosted mini-wheats quite regularly and every time i ate them i'd pull them from the box one by one. i'd make sure each one rested in the bowl frosting side up. i had a "perfect" bowl of mini-wheats before me. i would then carefully pour the milk into my bowl so as not to upset the order by carelessly flipping a mini-wheat over.

i tell you this meaningless story of my past because, today, i was pouring myself a bowl of mini-wheats without any regard for which side they landed on in my bowl. you could say that my bowl of cereal was a "mess."

and that's when it hit me. i miss those days when i was young and thought that perfection was attainable. yes, perfection is what i strive for. i long to "be holy as Christ is holy" but i realize the uphill climb that's in front of me. you know, a climb i can't make on my own. maybe i'm too comfortable with the "mess" i've become.

maybe we're all just a "mess" and i'm afraid of the effort of turning myself and everyone else over so their frosting shows. obviously, this could all mean absolutely nothing. if you come around here often you know that i have more questions than i have answers. and this bowl of mini-wheats proves that yet again.

all i really know is that i'm a mess and you're probably a mess but there's still something perfect out there. maybe we just need to be a little more childlike. i'm not the first to suggest that. Jesus said it before me and much more profoundly. but i think i'm going to be more like the youthful version of myself. now if you'll excuse me i need to start flipping over some frosted mini-wheats...

recap: the burden marches on

2010-03-15T19:32:00.002-06:00

about 8 months ago i wrote about how i was praying for a burden. you can read that blog here!

and then, a week ago, i had the unique opportunity to speak at journey church about said burden.

you can listen here or you can watch here!

and i post all these links to remind you about the burden i long to bear, and also, to keep myself accountable. sorry if you feel used. instead of feeling used, feel like you're sharing in the mission that God has laid on my heart. i couldn't do anything without you, but most of all, i can't do anything unless God shows up. if you would, pray that God shows up... in all of our lives.

precious

2010-03-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

the last couple of days i spoke to my students about philippians 4:13 (for i can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength) and how God doesn't promise to make things easy for us. He IS promising strength but not easy.

we can talk about that some other time.

the point of writing right now is that i just watched the movie Precious and i realized the gravity of what i was actually "preaching." if you don't know the premise of the movie or anything about it i'll need to fill you in real quick.

Precious, the main character, is a 16 year old girl who's had two children after her father raped her on separate occasions. her mother abuses her. she has no education. she is also extremely obese. essentially, if i were her, all i'd pray for was something EASY! the weight of her struggle is far beyond anything i can really comprehend, yet i know it's not outside of reality. and so i'm sitting here mulling over the fact that if i ever believed that the strength of Jesus is enough (or more than enough) i better believe it outside of my petty little problems.

the strength of Jesus is enough to help me recover from a bad day... but is it enough for girls like Precious?

i believe it is. and i believe He's worth it. it just becomes that much more real when i remember that the world is a mess. one big mess. and the only hope is Jesus.

no happiness here. just some hope. some precious, precious hope.

my favorite 4 letter word

2010-03-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

sometimes we just need to say it. maybe even scream it. we get to a point where we're out of options. all we're left with is one 4 letter word. and then it happens. we shout it out...

HELP!

i have a hard time admitting that i need help. you could say i'm a prideful person. i like to believe i have it under control or i have the right answers. sometimes i even think that i couldn't possibly be wrong...

this is usually the time everything collapses. recently, i've felt a little "stretched" and exhausted, yet i continued to think that i could take care of it all. like i said, i believed that i had it under control. but then i start running out of time, or energy, or the ability to have a civil conversation. i got to the point where my creativity was gone. i was irritable. i became a poor leader and an even worse husband.

and that's when i realized i needed a good 4 letter word. then i used it. over and over and over again. HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!

God, HELP me. i didn't know what else to pray or scream or cry. i didn't have some fancy prayer. i wasn't feeling holy or connected. i was at a loss. so i called for HELP. i'm still getting "HELP" and i'm still working on the above mentioned challenges but during this process i realized a few important things.

it's ok to use a 4 letter word... and i'm not in control. maybe all you need to do is call for HELP. i'm willing to promise that God will hear the shout. so just shout it, one letter at a time... H-E-L-P!

the choices we make...

2010-03-01T22:37:00.002-07:00

i can't stop thinking about how the choices we make impact many more people than just ourselves. we have a tendency to get caught up in our own little world where we worry only about us. each decision we make is based on our comfort, or our satisfaction, or our convenience. and in the midst of such choices we forget that those choices ripple through all the people in our lives.

i don't have anything profound or revolutionary to offer on this. i'm just creating the dialogue on here instead of keeping it in my head. i know i'm prone to think of myself first. and i know i make choices that can hurt or help other people. regardless of any of that, i just hope that i remember it's not all about me. it never has and it never will be. my guess is that it's not all about you either. i mean, it's worth thinking about...

full room or full Kingdom

2010-02-24T15:14:00.003-07:00

last night at The SLAM (our middle school group) we only had 6 students show up. obviously, that's disappointing to me. the gym seemed empty. we had more volunteers than students (i suppose that's a good ministry ratio, though). as i walked up to the front to speak i found myself fighting the urge to believe that this night wasn't all that important because of our lack luster attendance. which is "ironic" because, as i was speaking on dating, i had selected 1 corinthians 1o:31 as some of the scripture we were going to look at it. if you're not familiar with the bible, that's ironic because that verse says:

so whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

and so i prayed that i would speak for God's glory, not my own. i prayed that i would speak for God's glory, not the approval of 6 middle school students or 10 volunteers. honestly, it wasn't easy. but by the grace of God i believe i was able to speak for His glory.

after the night concluded i found myself reflecting on this prayer that i often pray- "God, i pray that hundreds of students would walk through the door tonight to experience Your love for them."

my reflection went like this: was i praying that prayer so that the room would be filled? or was i praying that prayer so that the Kingdom would be filled? the honest truth, it's the second. it really is. that doesn't mean i don't struggle with "numbers" or my motives or any of that, but in the deepest part of my heart i long for students to encounter and experience the love of Jesus Christ.

and hopefully 6 students and 10 leaders experienced that last night. however, my biggest hope is that God was glorified. here's to praying the Kingdom fills up...

throw down and jump back!

2010-02-17T23:16:00.006-07:00

what i'm about to say, i heard somewhere else. i believe it was steven furtick. i'm going to expand and put it in my own words using what he said (or what i think he said since i'm not positive where i heard it).

as you may remember if you visit here regularly, i'm reading through the bible in a year. i currently find myself rummaging around in the book of exodus. as i was reading today, i was captivated by this verse in exodus 4:3

"Throw it down on the ground," the Lord told him. So Moses threw down the staff, and it turned into a snake! Moses jumped back.

and as i read that, i started thinking about my life. more specifically i started thinking about my future and all the plans, dreams, and aspirations i have. in that moment i felt God say, "chris, you need to throw your future on the ground." i was a bit caught off guard. you see, my future (at least the one i paint for myself) is actually quite "holy," if i can use such a lofty word.

i think of continuing in youth ministry, maybe coaching full time, planting a church, using my teaching degree, moving to ethiopia. i dream big dreams that involve serving the Lord with my life. THAT'S why i was so taken aback when i thought of "throwing them to the ground." it scares me because, like moses' staff, i won't be holding it in my hands. i won't be in control. it won't be about what i want and i won't be receiving any recognition.

but that is the point. when i throw my future to the ground, i'm letting go. God is now in control. and the thing is, again like moses, i believe that when i CHOOSE to let go, God is going to do something so mind bending and life altering that my only response will be to "jump back." jump back in awe of HIS plan.

i guess what i'm saying is that we (myself included) need to have a "holy throw down." we need to let go of our best laid plans because they aren't the best He has for us. but we won't know that until we put ourselves in the proper position to jump back. so let's do this together- let's throw IT down and get ready to jump back and experience a future we could never imagine. let's relinquish control.

more than fine

2010-02-14T18:42:00.003-07:00

here's a quick life update that may or may not interest you. i haven't written in this little space recently for a couple reasons. 1. i've been busy. which isn't really an excuse (b/c i did make it my goal to write here more frequently) but just a lame reason. 2. my wife has been away a lot recently and i don't really like to see my loneliness in writing.

kate is currently in ethiopia, following her heart and being obedient to God's calling on her life, which is celebrated in our house. however jubilant the celebration, which is very jubilant, i'm still lonely. i still feel like part of me is missing. and so really, i haven't been writing here because i'm reminded of my loneliness. then i turn pitiful.

so the less time i spend writing about my life, the less time i spend wallowing in my loneliness. i mean, i know i should be "bigger" than that. i know i should be stronger and happier and motivated. but i'm not. and i think that's fine.

the life update portion of this post is this: i'm working on being "more than fine" (to quote an old switchfoot song). and here's how...

... i restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.

isaiah 57:15

that's God speaking. and this process of becoming "more than fine" really just centers around Him. i humbly put my trust in Him, stop wallowing, repent, and believe that He will restore my crushed spirit and revive me. i have no doubt that many of you out there are hurting much, much worse than i am and i pray that you, too, will experience restoration.

we've all been crushed, but we haven't all been restored. i recommend the second and realize that it isn't possible without the first. let's find our way to the second, the restoration, the new life... it's gotta be worth the searching.

writing on the fridge

2010-02-06T17:02:00.003-07:00

i want to tell you about something i just started doing. and i wanna tell you why i started doing it. now before you get all hopped up on excitement, just relax. it's not revolutionary. it's not even that cool. it's just worth sharing, that's all.

so recently (as in the last month or so) i've found myself becoming more and more absent minded. it's quite frustrating actually. and with this absent mindedness i've been doing a poor (letter grade: F) job of praying for those i need to be praying for. finally, my frustration led me to repentance (we won't get into that now) which led to God granting me a sweet idea. i was sitting at my computer, in my kitchen, where i spend a lot of time working, eating, talking, etc. while i was sitting there i found that i looked at the refrigerator way too much... for no reason.

then the God idea clicked. and here's the idea:

write on my fridge with a dry erase marker. brilliant, right? now my refrigerator has names/organizations/situations/etc. that i'm praying for written on it (in classy "teacher" handwriting, mind you!).

like i told you, not revolutionary or even that cool. but it connects me to prayer and reminds me that it's not about me. it reminds me about the needs of others, the needs of those i love and care for. it reminds me that God is in control. it reminds me to communicate with Him.

take from it what you will... but maybe all you need is a fridge and marker to draw closer to God. but make sure it's ok to write on the fridge first...

prayers and tears

2010-02-03T21:59:00.003-07:00

there is a point in the book of isaiah (chapter 38:5) where God is speaking to king hezekiah through the prophet isaiah. you see, king hezekiah become deathly ill and the Lord told him,

"set your affairs in order, for you are going to die."

this left the king broken. he wept and cried out to the Lord. and the part that i love about this little story is God's response. this is what He says,

"i have heard your prayers and seen your tears."

and i was reminded that God does INDEED hear our prayers and see our tears. and so if we begin to wonder if He's really there we are reminded that He says, "i have heard your prayers and seen your tears." if we think we can't go on and our only response is "help me!" we are reminded that He hears our prayers and sees our tears.

the last few weeks i've felt a little beaten down but now i find myself remembering that God has heard my prayers and seen my tears. and i am comforted.

so maybe you're feeling beaten down or worn out or broken and if that's the case... just remember: God hears your prayers and sees your tears. so keep praying and crying out.

i can hear it

2010-01-28T22:42:00.003-07:00

we hear songs of praise from the ends of the earth, songs that give glory to the Righteous One! but my heart is still heavy with grief.

isaiah 24:16

sounds about right, isaiah. i can hear the songs of praise echoing in my heart. i can hear the songs that give glory to God. and, more importantly, i believe in it. i even try to sing it. maybe to convince myself that i believe it but hopefully my lack of faith will soon begin to wane. the thing is, i can keep singing my guts out "but my heart is still heavy with grief." and that's what i love about this verse.

i can hear the music, the songs. i can feel the power of the Glorious One for whom the sound is intended. and i believe in it with all of my heart but that doesn't stop my heart from being heavy with grief. the combination is ok. it's allowed. and, really, that's all i want. i just want to be ok.

i'm learning. i'm learning that i should have made the decision to be in colorado with my wife. i'm learning and learning sucks. the blunt truth of the whole situation i'm in... the one that leaves me with the state of wyoming separating me from my mourning wife... is that i'm learning. but even if my heart is still heavy with grief - i can hear the music. i can hear it even if it's just the faintest sound... and that's enough.

what i feel like

2010-01-27T22:12:00.003-07:00

hi, i'm chris. but if you're here then you already know that. i usually like to say funny things. right now, i don't feel like saying funny things. i feel like my chest is gonna burst. i feel helpless.

on tuesday morning kate's grandpa died after a battle with pancreatic cancer. we all loved him dearly but kate loved him more than that. i'm thinking about how fortunate she was to get her chance to say goodbye to a great man. i love how he loved my wife, his granddaughter.

and so i'm sitting here without a heart because it followed kate to colorado. i feel left behind. i feel like i should be there. i feel like i'm doing something wrong (regardless of kate's heartfelt support). that's why i don't feel like saying anything funny. hi, i'm chris and my heart is breaking for my wife. i feel like following her south...

Hallelujah

2010-01-25T22:06:00.002-07:00

i don't have words right now. they are lost in some lonely place deep inside of me... scary, right? so this is how i feel and what i'd say if i had the words. enjoy, reflect, celebrate, mourn:

JT & Matt Morris singing Hallelujah

quite honestly, it wrecks my soul. i'm praying for haiti, and my wife, and her family. and in case you were wondering... i can't wait for heaven.

trying my hand at poetry

2010-01-21T17:03:00.003-07:00

i was cleaning out our home office today (which has never really functioned as an office... think "junk room") to surprise kate when she gets home. everyone clap for the good husband ;) just kidding... kind of.

anyway, while i was cleaning i found an old poem (date unknown) i had written. it is MLK Jr. themed so i thought i'd share it 3 days after we celebrated his life. i'm always a little behind, give me a break. anyway, the love that's being shown in haiti the world over has changed my opinion that i share in this, quite honestly, bitter poem. however, i hope just as king had hope because i believe Jesus brings hope. enough chit chat... here are the goods!

dr. king had a dream
and it was satisfied.
now if you're white, you're black
and all our skin is dyed.

instead of protestant vs. catholic
it's muslim against christian.
we used to share the DREAM
now we all have our mission.

i thought we were all God's children
not a divided world or nation
but everyone's resilience
is strained by lives of separation.

let's all join hands and sing,
sing that we are "free at last"
but we can't say the words
without lying about our past.

so king's dream is still a dream
yet to accomplish anything
'cause we still hate our friends
and any dream they bring.

that's what friends (and a wife) are for

2010-01-20T17:11:00.003-07:00

even though i still feel somewhat tired (see here), i'm also beginning to feel energized. i think i'm feeling energized because a couple days ago i had the opportunity to connect and reunite with old friends. as i've started to feel better i've been able to attribute my healing to my friends. you know, the people who love us no matter what. the people who get excited about things we're excited about. the people who care, really care, how we're doing. the people who've seen the best and the worst of us.

i'm thankful to have such people in my life. i really don't think much of living would be worth it if we weren't surrounded by people who love us. but my journey to recuperating won't be complete until tomorrow evening.

my hope is that this tired funk will be beaten down completely when my wife arrives back in town. she's been visiting her grandparents (her grandpa is dying of cancer) for the last few days and i think we both need each other right now.

if you're looking for something to take from this post (don't look too hard), take this: get some friends who love you and a spouse you can't live without. then thank God every single day...

i am tired because...

2010-01-18T22:29:00.003-07:00

let me be honest for a moment (well, really i'll be honest the whole time)... i'm tired. not just ready for bed tired (i'm that too!) but tired in general. i just feel worn out. let me tell you why. to make sure i'm clear on my intentions- i'm not telling you why to feel sorry for me or judge me or call me out. i'm just telling you with the hope of being less tired... so there. as i've said before, i'm using you.

i am tired because...

i'm coaching basketball alongside my more than full time job of pastoring students (both of which i feel privileged to do regardless of the fatigue).

my wife (and myself and her family) is hurting as her grandpa fights pancreatic cancer.

life is short.

my friend and college teammate has a brain tumor at the age of 24.

i'm burdened.

i'm human and i'm weak and i think i can do it all on my own. i'm here to tell you that's no good and very ineffective. and, simply, tiring. i need to let it go and i need to ask for help. i'm sorry if you feel like you're eavesdropping but this is what i need to say,

"help me, Jesus. i cannot do it on my own and i'd rather not keep trying. i am tired and i believe that you'll bring me rest. but please, don't remove the burden (i need that). i love you. amen."

if you're tired like me, i recommend you just let it go. and then, like me, go to bed. good night.

in 2010...

2010-01-17T20:50:00.004-07:00

i don't hang around here as much as i used to. but i'm thinking i'd like to make my visits a bit more frequent in the year 2010. not for you (no offense) but for me. i feel something when i write and that's the point- feeling. sometimes the feeling is torture but i hope once i work through the torture i'll feel as if i persevered. which is a good thing. so to welcome myself back (i just ate a twinkie in celebration of my comeback!) i'm going to lay out my goals for 2010 with the hope that i'll keep myself accountable. and also to invite you, the reader (mom and wife), to play a role if you wish. so here it is:

chris townley's goals for 2010 (w/ action steps free of charge)...

Spiritually: Read through the Bible in a year (started on Dec. 30).

1. Get a Reading Plan from www.youversion.com
2. Journal each day

Physically: Run on Wed and Fri. Hike w/ Kate on Mon and Thu.

1. Run after practice on Wednesday mornings
2. Make time on my day off to run
3. Listen to sermons while running (double productive!)

Relationally: Date nights twice a month.

1. Schedule them on google cal
2. Be creative

Intellectually: Write 4 times a week.

1. Use my blog as a home base
2. Think about "book ideas"
3. Journal does NOT count

there ya have it! wish me luck... and maybe think about your goals while you're at it.

i needed a second chance

2009-12-10T11:24:00.003-07:00

sometimes i fall short of what is required or expected of me. those times make me feel like crud. tuesday night was one of those times. details are not all that important but for those who are curious... i gave a message to middle schoolers. it was bad. i did not speak the "word" that God had given me. i did not speak with passion and conviction. i did not speak as if tuesday night was the last night i might ever have with these students. i did not speak to glorify God.

it was quite selfish and really, just bad. i was discouraged when i left the gym that night. i spent a sleepless night praying and thinking and wondering "what if?"

then i woke up and embraced the fact that i was getting a second chance (something Jesus is really into, btw). i was giving the same message (essentially) wednesday night to a group of high schoolers. and so i set out to work as if it depended on me. then i prayed as if it depended on God (which it does). i was going to be as prepared as i possibly could. i was not going to be distracted or discouraged (two of satan's favorite weapons). i was thankful for a second chance.

God showed up in my second chance and i spoke my guts out wednesday night before an audience of one (the one being Jesus. there was more than one student). because that's what matters. it really wasn't about me or about students or about speaking. it was about God.

the honest truth is that i was humbled by all this. i needed to mess up and i needed a second chance. when it was all said and done, i could only look to God and say... "it was all You." because that was the truth and i'm nothing without the Truth.

genoa, italia and Jesus

2009-12-02T11:15:00.003-07:00

genoa, italy. one of my favorite surprise stops on our italian adventure. genoa was a city soaked in history. their duomo (or city cathedral) was one of the most unique i had the opportunity to witness. all italian duomo's are built symmetrically, essentially in the shape of a cross. the one in genoa was not. they built an asymmetrical duomo in defiance to the religious leaders in the region (my facts are somewhat spotty... please forgive me). all that to say, the duomo was beautiful and i found the defiance (i don't know if it was justified or not) inspiring. it made me think of Jesus. it made me think of Jesus calling out the pharisees. it made me think of Jesus saying He came to save the sinners, the broken, the lost. Jesus came with a new set of rules... all drenched in love.

the authorities deemed the duomo imperfect and deformed. many who walked the earth with Jesus looked on Him in similar light. what a compelling correlation.

i was encouraged to take a stand. i was encouraged about following a Jesus that set the tone for a peaceful and holy rebellion. i was encouraged in knowing there are news ways to do old things.

all in all, my time in genoa helped learn more about why i follow Jesus. plus i had to thank Jesus on countless occasions as we biked out of the city. i dodged car after car. i think i escaped death so many times that morning that the italian drivers were shouting out, "we love you, houdini!" or not. thank you, Jesus, that i'm alive!

italian detour- welcome to the pity party

2009-11-22T17:27:00.004-07:00

i'm going to take my words on an italian detour and discuss something in the present. if you were hoping for my italy adventure stories... stop reading and tune in sometime in the next couple days.

for those who have made it through two sentences, i'm glad you're still with me!

the last two days, known as the weekend, have taught me an important lesson- i'm not THAT important. now this may not come as a surprise to you, you who already knew i wasn't that important, but it did catch me by surprise.

i'm probably a late learner on this but i'm glad i learned it just the same. here's what transpired during the weekend...

my wife, kate, is very beautiful and passionate. that is unrelated to the story, simply an important detail in my life. anyway, kate has been slammed with projects this weekend. lots to do, lots of it Kingdom worthy. she was drained. i was not. i wanted to do this or that and i wanted her to join me. when she couldn't i was disappointed. it is unclear whether or not i threw a pity party (don't ask kate!).

as i was at my own party, pitying wildly, i realized this is not what i was designed to be. i realized i was not loving kate as Christ loves the church. i realized i was not serving my wife and cherishing my wife. i thought i was too important for that kind of stuff.

and that's when God crashed my party. i was convicted. i confessed. i repented (just a fancy word for "turning around"). and then came the hard part... i changed.

i did the dishes. i made kate a cappuccino (if you don't have a cappuccino maker... get one!). i shoveled. i did laundry. i asked her what she needed, then did it. i loved her. i served her. i cherished her. as a result, we were both more like Jesus.

now i don't say all this to "toot my own horn" but to call myself out. i don't want to go back to being THAT important. and i recommend you take that step too. it might not be easy, but it'll be worth it. let God crash your pity party...

attitude shift in sesto calende

2009-11-19T16:30:00.003-07:00

the day after my favorite "moment" of our adventure... i was paralyzed. ok, not really. but it sure was hard to walk, let alone bike! my butt was not happy. when i woke up that morning, after getting over the initial shock of my broken muscles, i thought to myself, "no more mountain passes!"

of course that wasn't the case. many mountains followed that first day. we were, however, able to scoot around a few via train. what a treat! anyway, back to the biking. within the next couple days we ended up in sesto calende, a supposedly gorgeous lake town, which was actually quite homely (not HOMEY). we quickly found our hostel, which was called la pagoda. la pagoda was run by a japanese/italian family. i do not need many words to describe it. the place was a dive. i'll spare you (but mostly me) the details. the only thing you need to know about it is that kate had dreams about mice running over the bed all night... it is unclear if this was a dream or not.

however, there was ONE good thing about sesto calende. the hometown pizza place we found (my mouth is watering as i type). not only was the pizza marvelous, the place was a wonderful little family joint! mom and dad prepared the pizzas while their two daughters (about 8 or 9 years old) took our orders and rang up the check. so cute. so italian. so perfect. we then enjoyed our pizzas along the lake shore as the sun went down. sesto wasn't all that bad... until we went to sleep!

the next morning we woke up and headed to genoa, one of my favorite stops of our trip. but you'll have to wait to hear about that :) in the meantime, think about this...

we were initially disappointed with sesto calende when we arrived. when we left, we had great memories and stories. we referred to la pagoda for the rest of the trip. for example, "at least this is better than that pagoda place!" and we smiled fondly. this is what i learned- my attitude toward something, however disappointing that something may be, will determine what i remember and how i remember it. somehow i managed to ride away from sesto calende with fond memories and i attribute that to my shift in attitude.

if you need a positive spin on something disappointing in your life, maybe all you need is an attitude shift. or as they say, the glass is always half full! oh the lessons of biking through italy ;)

the biking begins

2009-11-05T18:12:00.003-07:00

here i am! i've been waiting for inspiration before i dive back in to reliving italy. it's not happening. with that said, i'm just going to type it out. minus the inspiration. i think in order to write i need to do it with consistency because i'm not going to find inspiration hidden in my closet. so my warning to you- this is not inspired. just plain ol' typing. proceed with caution.

i have been asked over and over about my favorite part of my italian biking adventure. that's a tough question. someone else asked what was my favorite "moment" and that's a question i like to answer. it was the day our biking actually began. it was the moment we left our beautiful apartment overlooking lake como and the entire trip actually became real. biking through italy was no longer something we were planning and talking about for months. it was something we were DOING!

coupled with that feeling was the feeling of awe. up and down mountain passes. across a stretch of switzerland. breath taking. car dodging. jello for legs. everything was a first. i remember coasting down a hill (after a brutal climb!) and entering a small town. the road was narrow, the buildings were close, and i was moving fast. this is a poor simile but it was like i was in a movie. or maybe it was like i was lance armstrong. whatever it was, i thought to myself... "dang it! i shoulda mounted a helmet cam!"

but i didn't. so it all rests behind my eyes. vivid memories that my writing will never accurately convey. unless, that is, i'm talking with the four other people i traveled with. they'd "get it" because they were there.

and that makes me think we (as in all of us) need to make the effort of sharing experiences. we need to adventure together. write stories with our lives with many co-authors. because, honestly, if you're reading this and you weren't with me in italy... you're living a part of my story. what is YOUR story? what are you living? let me know... i'd like to live a part of yours.

once we've lived enough of everyone else's stories... let's write our own. let's embrace adventure, and risk, and challenge. let's do something worth telling about. i just hope all our stories are meaningful.

italy created memories. the trip wasn't necessarily intended to be meaningful but it was, because the story played itself out. the most important thing that happened on my grand biking adventure: i love kate, my wife, more than i ever have. i hope your story upgrades your life...

patience...

2009-10-27T10:14:00.003-06:00

alright. so it is much harder to get back in the groove after being gone for 7 weeks than i initially thought. with that said, i will resume blogging as soon as i can. be patient (this is really all i'm trying to get across to you- patience is a virtue). good stories from an amazing adventure will come soon. i promise.

as for now, i don't quite have the margin to blog freely about my trip through italy. again, please be patient and i will be joining you in the blogosphere soon!

until then, be patient :)

September, Where Are You???

2009-10-05T17:34:00.003-06:00

wow. where did september go? oh yeah, that's right... it went biking through italy with me (winky). so here i am, back on US soil, back in the great state of montana, back home in the beloved bozeman. first things first, i'm sure you're wondering if my butt and legs are horribly sore, because if they are you might feel a little better about missing out on my adventure. alas, my glutes and power pistons (legs) are quite stable and, really, they were never THAT sore. enough rubbing it in... instead i'd like to throw down, over the next couple weeks, a couple highlights from my trip through italy. both what i experienced and what i learned. so here we go...

i'm not in the mood to waste time (i did enough of that during my 7 week vacation) so i'll jump to the moment and location our adventure began- the town: Menaggio. the view: overlooking the beautiful lake como (just google it. seriously).

in order to arrive at our apartment on the lake we had to ferry across with our road bikes in tow (you know, because it's hard to walk on water let alone ride across it). i was immediately enamored with the clarity of this lake water... so blue, so clear (plus i have somewhat of a fascination with H2O). i loved being able to look through the water and see so far down. the mystique of the lake was enhanced by the looming, jagged italian alps surrounding it on all sides. it was all quite pristine, like queen lake como being protected my mighty soldiers standing guard. it blew my mind... and i was born and raised in beautiful bozeman, mt!

we spent the next few days there. biking along the coast of the lake. swimming (or submerging, as we liked to call it). relaxing. eating pasta, drinking wine (in moderation... the wine, not the pasta!). all of this before we had even "officially" started biking south.

honestly, i didn't learn much from all this :) i mean, what is there to learn other than God's creativity is present worldwide. in this instance, i saw Him clearly in our surroundings. and i worshiped. praise the Lord that the beginning of our adventure brought about worship... lucky me (don't think i don't know how lucky i was, and am!).

in the next few days i'll tell you about actually biking... because we did some of that too! in the meantime, find God in your surroundings. and worship Him.

living in the NOW

2009-08-30T18:00:00.002-06:00

it's been a long time. for the two of you who read this (my wife and mom), i wish i could spend time around "these parts" more often. so here comes my best attempt at what's been going on in my heart and mind and blah blah blah. join me if you wish...

update on my whereabouts: i'm in harwich, ma on cape cod with a bunch of friends. before that i was in williamsburg, va (for a wedding), obx, north carolina (for fun on the beach!), columbia, sc (for a meeting with christian world foundation), charleston, sc (for a meeting with christian world adoption), washington dc (for a visit to ebenezers coffeehouse and national community church), boston, ma (for a red sox game at fenway (big papi's walk off home run landed 10 feet in front of me)), and then on to cape cod.

quite the whirlwind, huh? and i haven't even left for a month long bike trip through italy (seriously... that begins on september 3).

but none of this is the point. none of this is what's on my heart at the moment. i've been thinking a lot about the future. a lot about what God wants from me, has in store for me, dreams for me. and as i was walking along the beach this afternoon praying about the future, i felt God ask me about the NOW. i realized i needed to stop dreaming of what is going to be and start living the dream of what is NOW.

i need to live completely and fully in the dream God has put me in right now (pastoring students). and perhaps, if God is willing, when i am trusted with one thing He will trust me with more.

so here i am, patiently waiting for His word to move on. until then, i'm committed to focusing ALL my energy, passion, discipline, etc. to living the dream God has me in at the moment. with that said, i can't wait to get back to the mission in october.

let me wrap this up by saying- i don't think it's a bad thing to look forward and dream big. but for me, i'm spending too much time doing that right now and i need to realign my focus. maybe i wrote all this because you need to realign your focus too.

take inventory and then start living in the NOW, whatever that might mean for you.

you may or may not hear from me until i get back from italy... mom, don't worry, i'll be in touch with you!

you and i are difficult

2009-07-23T15:45:00.003-06:00

i was thinking about something during the last couple weeks- ministry (and life for that matter) would be easy if other people weren't involved, but it was never supposed to be easy.

essentially, it's a challenge to interact with those who think differently, act differently, live differently than ourselves but if we are to live in a way that honors God we have to embrace this challenge. we have to rely on our faith. we have to rely on the changes Jesus is making in our hearts. we have to rely on the promise that people are worth it.

people make life difficult, but people also make life worth it. let's make sure we don't lose sight of the people in our world, even the difficult ones. Jesus loves us all, even you and i... you know, the difficult ones.

give me a burden

2009-07-14T10:05:00.003-06:00

i think i need to tell you something. all of you. it's important. and a bit personal. but i still think you should know. it might even surprise you. you might think i'm strange and a little different. you might question if i'm "all there" upstairs. i'd like to assure you i'm none of those things, but that would be a lie. i'm quite foolish actually. and that has a lot do with the fact that i need to share something with you. are you ready?

i'm praying for a burden. a heavy, heart inflicting burden. i know, i know. i probably shouldn't pray for burdens but rather a lighter load of them. here's the deal, though, i NEED this burden.

ok, enough of me being vague. here's what i'm saying...

in romans 9 verses 1-3 paul says this: with Christ as my witness, i speak with utter truthfulness. my conscience and the Holy Spirit confirm it. my heart is filled with bitter sorrow and unending grief for my people, my jewish brothers and sisters. i would be willing to be forever cursed- cut off from Christ!- if that would save them.

paul is deeply burdened by the fact that many of "his people" haven't been changed by the life saving love of Jesus. he is so burdened, in fact, that he is willing to give up his relationship with Christ if that would save them. to put it bluntly- paul would go to hell if that would save his jewish brothers and sisters. that is deep, unconditional love. and that's because paul understands that eternity is at stake.

and with that, i'm praying for the same burden. in my particular case, "my people" are the students in the Gallatin Valley. i'm praying that i would be burdened for their souls. i'm praying that God would so move in my heart that i would do anything short of sin to create opportunities for these students to encounter Jesus. i'm praying that i too, "would be willing to be forever cursed- cut off from Christ!- if that would save them."

i'm afraid, but i'm also up the challenge. and i believe God will answer my prayer. maybe you could pray it with me.

i can't wait to see what God will do.

based on a true story

2009-07-09T19:29:00.003-06:00

i always gravitate towards movies that are based on a true story. i simply love to hear about what other people experienced... the hope, the hurt, the heroes, the perseverance. i'm inspired by such stories. i'm moved by such stories. these stories, that are true, help me believe in the resiliency of the human spirit.

and as i was watching a movie based on a true story a couple nights ago (it was called "defiance" in case you were wondering) i began to wonder about my story and your story. i began to wonder why we don't share our story of hope. our story should point to the Bringer of Hope. our story should point to the power of our Savior. our story should point to our reliance on Jesus, to Something bigger than ourselves. but sometimes we don't tell it.

we should never stop telling our story because our story is a testimony to God's grace and mercy. our story is a story worth telling because God wrote it... and what could be more inspiring than that?!

go tell your story to anyone who will listen and while you're at it, tell them about The Greatest Story (john 3:16)... the one that changed our lives forever.

believe me, your story is worth telling.

what lives in you?

2009-07-08T16:00:00.003-06:00

the Spirit of God who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you.
Romans 8:11

i feel like someone needs to hear this today. someone needs to be reminded that whatever God is prompting you to act on, to move on, it is time to do it. there is no reason to be afraid... because THE SPIRIT OF GOD WHO RAISED JESUS FROM THE DEAD, LIVES IN YOU! that same power lives in you! that same miracle lives in you! the power of the Holy Spirit is waiting for you to act... move now.

all of us, let's move now.

Top Ten Moments from My First 25 Years

2009-07-06T12:19:00.003-06:00

i've been on this earth 25 years now... hard to believe. and with that i thought i would take a page out of tony morgan's playbook and present you with a top ten list (or maybe this is out of david letterman's playbook)...

Top Ten Moments from My First 25 Years

1. entered into a relationship w/ Christ at age 12 (thanks franklin graham)
2. married the most amazing woman in the world on july 21, 2007 (love you, kate!)
3. picked up a basketball and began the obsession at (roughly) age 4
4. summer of 2006... italy for 5 weeks followed by a 10 day trip to sao paulo, brazil (began serving a worldwide God)
5. crowell's intensity camp at age 16... pushed myself to new heights and learned to exceed expectations
6. 2003 Montana High School Basketball State Champions... 23-0. best team the state of montana has ever seen (and i'm hardly biased... just ask around :))
7. Rocky Mountain College 2003-2007 i learned who i was and what i wanted to live for (thanks RMC bball coaches and teammates, real life, matt blakeslee, brian carpenter, plus many other people and experiences)
8. Journey Church 2007-present... found my calling and haven't worked a day since!
9. living with two loving, Godly parents... i could never choose just one moment (thanks mom and dad!)
10. adopting Kula, the greatest dog to ever drool... you wish you had a black golden retriever great dane mix :)

i'm guessing i left quite a few key moments out... but this will do. and it makes me thankful for the 25 years i've lived. my life is blessed... and you might be jealous, but don't worry, i love you all.

where is the proof?

2009-06-25T14:49:00.003-06:00

what good am i doing?

i started asking myself this question after i read some insights from paul. he was standing trial and defending himself by stating the message he had been preaching during his travels, and this is what he said he had been preaching, "that all must repent of their sins and turn to God-- and prove they have changed by the good things they do" (acts 26:19-20).

paul is saying that we PROVE we have repented and turned to God when we do GOOD THINGS. it's proof that God has changed us. that we are different because we turned to Him.

so i ask myself... is the good that i'm doing proving God's influence on my life? am i acting changed? am i acting saved?

the way we act is proof of what is in our hearts (matthew 12:34). is the "good" we are doing proof of the change and salvation God has given us?

for me, sometimes "yes" and sometimes "no"... i want to be more consistent. i want to live changed. and i'm ready to prove it. how about you?

spoken blog... kinda

2009-06-15T14:27:00.002-06:00

my thoughts in the form of audible words... some call it a sermon. i call it talking. enjoy if you're so inclined.

title: even greater things

http://www.journeyweb.net/sermons/jun_07_09.mp3

it's all in the touch

2009-06-15T12:06:00.003-06:00

i keep thinking about the times Jesus touched lepers (specifically matthew 8:1-3, mark 1:40-42). and i feel convicted because i'm pretty sure that would gross me out. i have a hard time looking at things like "that" or even things like surgery scenes in grey's anatomy (not that i watch that show ;)).

to the point- i'm pretty sure the crap i pull grosses Jeuss out. i can be quite disgusting in the choices i make and junk i haul around in my heart. yet, Jesus will still touch me. i guess He loves me that much.

so who are we afraid to touch? who aren't we loving? who aren't we reaching out and touching? i know i need to evaluate my life and start touching the people that Jesus would touch without thinking twice.

it's all in the touch...

unity... in something

2009-06-11T13:58:00.002-06:00

i keep thinking, studying, dreaming of what "church" looks like in 2009 (and beyond). which means i'm scoping out the book of acts. and this is what i keep "seeing"... unity in vision. share everything and help everyone. unity in methods. sell stuff. tell everyone about the resurrection (you know, Jesus is crucified on the cross by everyone they live and walk w/ everyday. then Jesus rises from the dead. so now they tell everyone that Jesus Saves).

and i start thinking about how i just miss the whole point even in my home. i think things are mine. i have one idea and my wife has another. then we fight (that's right, we love Jesus and we fight... we're human). i don't know what this has to do w/ the capital C Church but it makes me wonder if we're striving for the right things.

what if we, as a body of Christ followers, shared vision... own nothing, share everything, tell everyone? maybe we'd be allowing Jesus to change the world through us instead of doing it ourselves (i know from experience that never works).

i don't know. i'm just thinking and learning "out loud". join the convo... what do you think?

transparent

2009-05-15T13:28:00.005-06:00

i'm feeling transparent. but don't flee. i promise not to scare you. really, being transparent scares me, so you could say we're even. anyway, to the juicy details.

i've been teaching (or preaching, speaking, leading, sermoning... whatever you want to call it) at our high school gathering, known as the The 6-ONE-6. we launched the group during april, a challenging time to kick off, and with that have had a lower number of students than i had been expecting, hoping for, dreaming of. all that to say, i know we needed to launch when we launched. and blah blah blah.

ok, now for the transparency. to put it bluntly and honestly i've been preaching my guts out. every wednesday. and it can be hard as i stand in front of twenty students because i start to question if it's worth it. is all the time, effort, prayer, passion, worth it? is it worth it if only the same twenty students are there every week? is it worth bringing my best every week for "this"? and there it is- me being transparent.

and this is what i've learned... the answer to my questions is an astounding- YES! it is absolutely worth it. every wednesday when i stand on a stage in front of students i'm really standing in front of God. i'm giving God my best. i'm speaking what He asked me to speak. i'm leading like He asked me to lead. i'm trusting like He asked me to trust. success at The 6-ONE-6 is measured by obedience and i'm obeying by living out what God has called me to.

all that to say, i'm too often human. i think that i am in control. i think i deserve better or bigger. but i'm not in control and i don't deserve anything. i just pray that God uses me to impact His kingdom. i hope hell becomes less crowded because of what God has me doing.

thanks for listening.

are we fools?

2009-05-07T14:34:00.002-06:00

how foolish am i willing to act for God? david ran around in his undies in celebration and praise for God, then claimed that he would be even more foolish than that! he wasn't afraid of humiliating himself because he only cared about God's perception of him, not people's perceptions.

i think we need to ask ourselves- are we more concerned with God or with other people? when are lives truly reveal that we are more concerned with God we can often look foolish. are we willing to sacrifice our self-image for our Savior?

regardless of our answer right now, we must remember that God is worthy of our foolishness. let's give it to him!

all + all = some

2009-04-29T11:17:00.002-06:00

ALL + ALL = SOME

you've got to love this equation. we must become all things to all people to win some! and SOME is always worth it. it's a call that should move us to action. action is the only way to become all things to all people in order for some to follow a life changing God. plus, this call is eternal because our work will never be done if we are to become all things to ALL people. let's get to it, then, because SOME is always worth it!

surrender for power

2009-04-27T17:46:00.002-06:00

i haven't spent much time here as of late and i think it might have been because i haven't had anything to say. so i started asking myself why i didn't have anything to say. honestly, i think i was holding back on God. i didn't have anything to say because God wasn't saying anything to me. and God wasn't saying anything to me because i wasn't asking Him to or expecting Him to. i hope you could follow all that.

this past week i went to a catalyst west (a leadership conference in california) and i had my fire lit. i found a passion for the Holy Spirit and with that an actual, real life belief in all the of its power! i didn't have anything to say because the Holy Spirit was waiting for me to believe with my whole life and my whole heart. and now i do.

i want to seek Him but first i need to surrender. that's what i've been doing- surrendering my weak belief. surrendering that idea that i can actually "do something" on my own. from this point forward i'm believing that with surrender to the Holy Spirit comes the power of the Holy Spirit and i'm ready to be apart of the movement! let's all surrender. you know what you have to do and then, we'll all move in rhythm with the Holy Spirit the world will change!

i need to relax!

2009-04-13T14:55:00.004-06:00

i have a very hard time staying in one place for an extended period of time. for instance, i am currently at "the house by the farm" (it is next to my in-laws' house and their house is pretty much a farm) where we are housesitting. i'm antsy and in need of a change of scenery or something. i can't drive b/c my plates are expired, however my wife is renewing them today, plus i need to be on "house" duty. also, it is a horrible waste of gas money heading 30 minutes into town each day for what seems to be "no reason." ok, my vent is over. i get it. i'm sitting in a million dollar home on 20 acres with beauty all around me. THIS is my office today... and i'm complaining? really?

honestly, i think i just needed to type that above paragraph so i'd relax. i'm blessed. sometimes i just need to see it in writing. i need to be honest about how i feel even if it's a big load of whiny crap. so let it out. release and respond. i'm going to go look out the window, be thankful, and get back to work. maybe we all just need to take a minute and reflect once in awhile. try it... and let me know how it goes because it's all in the response.

here i am

2009-04-10T09:40:00.002-06:00

wow. it has been forever since i've even felt like i have time to blog. or even have anything to say. life was happening that fast. here i am riding in the waves that God moves. i thought i had a plan for my life. i thought i knew what the next few years would hold. then God laughed and the purpose of the Lord prevailed. my wife and i are no longer off to serve in the peace corps. we are staying in bozeman, mt and serving students in the gallatin valley as well as directing mission efforts in ethiopia. i guess God knows best.

with all the life change and plan change i've learned a lot. one thing i learned is that it's ok to make plans and have dreams. i think that's important because it is evidence we want to do something with our lives but the hard part is letting go of "our" dream for "God's" dream. i learned i can't hold too tightly to what i think life should look like. as long as i'm pursuing God and striving to obey, listen, and follow Him i'll be alright. i mean, as long as i listen and then act :) i wouldn't say God was forcing our hand. we had a decision to make. He just gave us more options to choose from than we thought we had. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

following Jesus sure is an adventure and i wouldn't want it any other way.

heavy world

2009-03-16T11:44:00.002-06:00

my life has been spinning and heavy lately. not in a bad way, in a God way. i really don't have any clue where i'm going or how i'm going to get there. all i'm doing is trusting. and that's not easy for me because i want to know my future.

i keep thinking about the saying that goes something like, "if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans" and i'm pretty sure God laughs at me a lot. in a good way! whatever the case, i'm learning that the only thing i really know is that God can dream bigger than i can. i just hope and pray that God uses me in His dreams. i'm ready to bring His kingdom whenever and wherever He asks...

the whole world will not have room...

2009-03-04T10:47:00.003-07:00

i was reading through the book of john and just as i was finishing up, the last verse jumped off the page and bit me in the face. Jesus did many other things as well. if every one of them were written down i suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

i didn't even know that was in the bible! it definitely doesn't sound that much like the biblical language often used. and then i started to wonder what john knew about Jesus that we never hear about. how did he choose the events and "things" he chose? what a concept.

but what really blew my mind was the idea of the world not having enough room for all the books that would be written about the accomplishments of Jesus. if we're supposed to be like Jesus, mimic Jesus, follow Jesus then shouldn't we aspire to accomplishing so much for the kingdom that there will never be enough room to store all the books written about it? could that be the "greater things" that Jesus is talking about? could Jesus just be waiting for us to start writing our story?

what do you need to do in order to start your story? let's all begin writing and filling up so many books that the world would never have room for all the impact we're having in the Name of Jesus.

chapter 1...

pray for safety and get a second chance

2009-03-02T13:01:00.004-07:00

i was driving home in a snow storm on thursday when i began having a conversation with God. i prayed for safety. safety from the snow. safety from the roads. safety from other drivers. safety from other cars. safety from deer. the list goes on.

but then God spoke into my heart and He reminded me that it can be a scary and humbling experience to pray. by praying for safety i'm trusting God to keep me safe, in any way He needs to do it. i was taken aback. i began thinking of situations that i might need to be safe from and then i thought about how "being safe" might include a trip in the ditch, or a wreck with the car in front of me. it was in that moment that i become aware of my helplessness without God. i realized how much i didn't know and how much i couldn't control. so i left it in His hands (but kept my hands on the steering wheel!).

i made it home safely, by my standards anyway. when i got home i switched cars before returning to town for my basketball game. i had been driving my in-laws' corolla but because of all the snow i decided to switch to my rav4. honestly, i didn't put much thought into the car switch. it was almost like it "just happened." but i did it. and i continued to pray for safety. not long after i was spinning at 35 mph across the oncoming lane of traffic, into the ditch, over a road parallel to the highway, into another ditch, and out the other side into a field. i came to a stop about 100 yards from where i started...

in front of me two cars had collided. i tapped my breaks and that was enough to send me spinning. spinning to safety? i thought for sure my top-heavy car was going to flip. it didn't. i was safe. i was alive. my car was only slightly damaged. my in-laws' sedan probably would have flipped and air bags would have deployed. however, God had me switch cars. He heard my prayers and answered them, just not like i would have expected. i don't understand God a lot of the time but i do trust that He knows best. i'm alive when i easily could have been something else- dead, dying, broken, healing. maybe this is my second chance, maybe we all need a second chance.

my first LENT

2009-02-25T11:12:00.003-07:00

i've never actually given up anything for the season of lent. i have pretended, though. by that i mean i gave up things i had never actually done. one time i gave up smoking cigarettes. passed with flying colors. one time i gave up wearing women's clothes. passed again. lent was only a joke to me. something i pretended to participate in. until this year.

i'm a sucker for a worthy cause. and this year, i found one and actually felt called by God to act on it. for real. i've long been a fan of bloodwatermission.com and the work they are doing in africa. and during the lent season they are asking us/anyone/YOU to drink only water. 40 days of drinking water. then, we save the money we would have spent on drinks (ie: coffee in the morning, a bottle of coke at lunch, etc.) and donate it to blood:water mission. one dollar = one year of water. seems like a sacrifice worth making to me. i know i'll have a hard time giving up my morning coffee... but i also know coffee doesn't bring life. but water does. and that will point to Jesus because that is what lent and sacrifice is all about. Jesus. the Giver of Life.

so jump in. drink water and save money. you know Jesus would be on board :)

check it out ----> bloodwatermission.com/40days

i suck at serving

2009-02-19T11:11:00.002-07:00

i suck at serving. not just service in general but serving people in a way that feels inconvenient or even annoying to me. part of serving others is doing it with a cheerful heart (kind of like giving!) and that is when i struggle. for instance, i just spent an hour cleaning up around our apartment. the mess was less mine and more my roommates. but i didn't care. i wanted to serve them. then i started cleaning and my heart started to harden. i got frustrated with the different messes that had been left around the house. i saw it as a sign of disrespect and laziness. blah blah blah.

alert: i was not acting like Jesus. i set out to act like Jesus and love others the way He loves me but instead i start acting like a jerk. i suck at serving.

i see my need for a humble heart. i see my need for God's forgiveness. i see my need to be CHANGED by His love. i see my need to practice serving because, deep down, i hate sucking at anything. and i'm sure Jesus would prefer i didn't suck at serving.

injustice on the court

2009-02-16T18:50:00.004-07:00

i was sitting on the bench during the last varsity game (pretending like i help coach) thinking about how much injustice was occurring out on the floor during this particular game. the reffing was lopsided. our guys weren't getting a fair shake. i mean, all we wanted was an opportunity. and then God floored me (as He has a tendency to do).

i was reminded of the injustice happening all over the world. the type of injustice that takes lives, steals childhoods, breaks up families, and creates suffering. i was filled with visions of bloated babies, screaming mothers, merciless leaders, suicide bombers, genocide... simply brokenness. THAT is the INJUSTICE that i should be up in arms, expending energy to alleviate.

yes, i know coaching high school basketball is not a bad thing. it can even be a really good thing. but that's not the point. the point is that i can yell and scream and yearn for my players to get a fair shake but isn't that just what the rest of the world is doing too? can't we all hear them crying and pleading for an opportunity?

this is type of injustice i want to fight. from now on, i'll just let the referees be and fight for GREATER THINGS. what are you going to do?

surprise!

2009-02-13T13:45:00.003-07:00

i've decided i no longer dislike surprises. i just hate having the knowledge that a surprise is coming. if i never knew the surprise was going to happen and then, BOOM! i'm surprised, great. if i find out a surprise is happening in the near future, i go insane. what's the point? there isn't any. just don't let me find out a surprise is looming in the future. friendships could be lost. otherwise, feel free to surprise me with gifts and parties out of the blue. friendships would be enhanced.

thank you for your time.

danger zone

2009-02-06T11:16:00.003-07:00

i find myself spending a lot of time praying things like, "help me love like You, Jesus" or "i want to see others as You see others" or "break my heart for what breaks Your heart." these prayers are dangerous. they are dangerous because God could actually answer them and my world could explode.

i was thinking about this danger today. i was trying to clean things up around my apartment. you know, trying to be a servant. but the entire time i was seething inside because it felt like i was the only one (besides my wife, of course) who cleans up after themselves (quick aside: my wife and i have three roomies [whom we love dearly!]). then Jesus slapped me. servants of Jesus do not complain. He challenged me to love like Him.

the point of all this is that i pray dangerous prayers but have trouble living dangerously. i mean, i can't even clean up without being selfish and bratty. i guess i'm on the whole "baby steps" track. and i suppose i took a step today. here's to hoping i can begin to take more and more steps because, at my core, i want to be dangerous. and not just a dangerous prayER but a dangerous servant of the Most High God.

life lessons learned from kula

2009-01-28T11:46:00.003-07:00

kula, my black golden retriever (who is black because she has great dane in her veins), has created a nasty habit. she thinks that every single time she passes by the garbage she must stick her head in it and grab something, lick something, smell something, or eat something. she won't keep her cute little puppy head out of the trash! she has been scolded numerous times, sometimes every other minute, yet it doesn't change her behavior. so, as annoying as her little puppy habit is, it got me thinking...

how often do i keep my head in the trash? i screw up in the same way all the time and i know it disappoints God and i know it is wrong but i still do it again. and again. and again. i fall back into disobeying God regularly. i don't change my behavior even though i know it is wrong, just like kula!

so what's the difference? what is the difference between myself and my dog? i don't really think there is a correct answer but my opinion is that i can find the strength to change. i can find the strength when i run to God. and that's the point. the point isn't "overcoming sin" but rather pursuing and loving God to the extent that i'm so close to Him that i know can no longer even see my sin tempting me. i guess you could say i know better than to keep my head in the trash.

learning from my wife

2009-01-22T08:37:00.004-07:00

i think it is funny how i can have conversation and discussion about things (such as the miracles of Jesus) with my wife, kate, but it doesn't impact me, or convict me until i dig in and spend time with God. i would say this is a problem of mine, you know, not using what other people are learning or hearing from God to challenge and change my own life. i wish i would have let kate's experience and knowledge of being convicted by the miraculous influence me months ago when we had the conversation.

why do i (or maybe all of us act this way) need to experience some things for myself before i let them sink into my heart? why isn't kate's encounter with scripture enough to impact my soul?

it might just be an issue of seeing others through the vision of Jesus. if i see kate the same way that Jesus sees kate then maybe i would have a greater propensity to allow her experiences to draw me closer to the heart of God. because, really, that is where i want to be. always. closer to the heart of God. no longer will i think that only my experience can take me there. so let's sit down and listen to those around us (especially our wives!) and let God draw us in.

awaiting the miraculous

2009-01-21T13:47:00.002-07:00

i have been reading about the miracles of Jesus recently. miracles like making water into wine, feeding five thousand, walking on water, healing the sick, raising the dead. and as i've been reading i've been thinking about how i have a tendency to doubt such miracles happening today. through this process i've been convicted as a i started to realize that i'm limiting God. if i don't believe that God can perform miracles today, why would He? this is not to say that my belief is the only thing on which miracles take place, but you get the idea.

i'm committing to trust God and His ability to perform miracles. i'm no longer going to limit His power with my own lack of belief. i'm going to start looking for God created miracles. my new outlook is simple- i'm awaiting the miraculous.

join me!

hardcore Jesus

2009-01-14T14:09:00.002-07:00

Jesus was hardcore. Jesus was passionate. i have a propensity to forget that Jesus wasn't all candles and chocolates. and if we are to follow his example then we need to be hardcore and passionate too! i love it when the text in John 2 tells us this- so he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area... Jesus was not holding back. He knew He had to take a stand. so He did.

how many times in my own life have i known that i need to take a passionate stand yet i held back? too many to count. but b/c of my failures i'm again motivated and convicted to become hardcore like my Savior. if you see me carrying around a whip made out of cords you now know why... and look out!

God, what do you want to accomplish?

2009-01-09T10:00:00.002-07:00

as i continue to stagger into the new year i find myself asking God this question, "what do you want to accomplish through me this year?" and this is challenging. it is challenging because the question i really want to ask is, "what do i want to accomplish this year?"

i have some simple math to help me in this process. you've probably heard it before... less of me + more of Jesus = more accomplished for God's kingdom. this year (and every year for that matter) is not about what i want. it is not about the trips i want to take, the adventures i want to experience, the things i want to own but it is about making God known (i didn't actually mean to rhyme that last part).

in 2009 i am making myself available to the Great Commission. i am letting go of my wants and replacing them with God's passion to see people's lives changed by the love of Jesus. i know this won't be easy and i know i'll miss the mark from time to time but through it all i'm praying for God to give me more of Him. i suppose the question now should sound more like this, "God, what do you want to accomplish through US this year?"

more humility needed

2008-12-30T15:49:00.003-07:00

i'd like to keep this simple. i need more humility and less pride. i am not capable of anything. i have not done anything. i often think i'm strong but i am weak. i am human. i am not God (a real news flash, i know!). i am not good.

and this is all fine with me. i am broken. in my brokenness i am in need of a God who holds it all together. ONE who holds me together. ONE who is the strength in my weakness. ONE who is capable of anything. ONE who is all human and all Creator. ONE who rescues.

i need to be rescued. i need to be reminded that i am not in charge. i am not responsible. and i am not capable of anything without the ONE. my heart is saying, "more humility needed" and i think i'll listen.

story time...

2008-12-24T13:41:00.002-07:00

there is nothing like your story. we are all original. we are all unique. we are all lovely. and we all have something to offer.

why don't we share our story? why don't we share our secrets and the rescue that followed? why don't we share our reason for redemption? why do we run from who we are?

i don't understand why i am afraid to tell my story. especially when i already know how it will end. i know that i don't have to be perfect and no one expects me to be perfect. the darkest and ugliest places in my life will, without a doubt, relate to someone else's. and if i share the story of my redemption, or you share the story of your redemption, we could help usher others (even our closest friends) out of the darkest places in their souls.

tomorrow represents the day my Redemption was born. oh what a story! we might as well start sharing our stories in celebration of the greatest story ever lived. now tell everyone the most heartfelt words you know...

antsy is as antsy does

2008-12-17T14:00:00.003-07:00

i have a tendency to get really antsy. like today for example, i can't sit still. i can't sit in a chair without my legs bouncing. and i don't know why. of course, i feel the need to always know WHY.

as you might imagine, this antsy feeling weighs on me. as i sit and dwell on it a little bit i find that it is often connected to my desire to live the rest of my earthly life for the will of God. or to put it simply- live each day for God. i want it so bad i can't sit still. i want to live and act like i'm in love with Jesus.

the reality of this is that it is HARD to live differently, to live outside of the comforts i enjoy, to live with a bigger purpose and a bigger passion. i'm occasionally living like a sleepwalker. my cry then becomes, "wake me up! move me. use me. love me. change me." and once again, i'm afraid of what will happen when God hears my cries and begins to respond and answer them. i will HAVE to move and change and act. but i guess there isn't anything better than living fulfilled. i have the freedom to choose... and i choose Jesus and everything that comes along with that choice. may He use me to change the world... and you too.

choose to do good... the most good.

2008-12-11T15:51:00.003-07:00

sometimes i have a hard time making decisions. big decisions. little decisions. it doesn't matter. i can't decide which movie to watch or which route to take to the gym or what time to get up (usually the later the better!). i can't decide what dream to follow or what song to listen to or when to say enough is enough...

some of these are petty and some of these have large implications. when the decision matters i struggle the most. what if i choose wrong? what if God wanted me to do something different?

from now on, i'm going to decide on whatever allows me to do the most good. who cares if i get hurt or suffer or even die as long as i do the most good i possibly can in every moment God gives me? i can't decide if this approach seems simple or challenging. it will probably be a little bit of both because sometimes the decision is so easy to make but the path will be filled with challenges. i'll make it as simple as i can... do good for God. wish me luck!

remember the cross

2008-12-08T13:20:00.004-07:00

when they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. he himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. for you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

1 Peter 2:23-25

i am prone to forgetting about the death Jesus endured on the cross. i can go weeks and even months without remembering or being moved by his soul saving decision to hang from the cross. this should bring me to my knees on a daily basis. his wounds have healed me. now i need to start living with that in my heart. Jesus DID NOT die on the cross for me to spend each day going through the motions! i must act like Jesus and die for him everyday. no more going through the motions... Jesus deserves my best.

a poem i wrote...

2008-12-04T11:20:00.003-07:00

Cardboard Blanket

a dime for the poor
and nine dimes for me.
now i've done my part
and their plight i'll never see.

what if i was on the corner,
the street lights as my lamp,
cardboard and newspaper,
the blankets in my camp?

would i prefer the dime
to acknowledging i'm there,
so i could save for whiskey
and drown away your glare?

maybe if i voted right
the new leader'd hear my voice
and poverty would change
from "way of life" to choice.

or maybe i should stop relying
on my vote or someone else
and learn to love the least of these
then rescue them myself.

ask, shut up, and learn

2008-12-01T21:35:00.003-07:00

i read something awhile back where the author challenged his readers during conversation. the challenge was to ask questions that allow you to learn about the person in which you are conversing. he said to do this instead of offering up information about ourselves and carrying on about ourselves. essentially, it is a way of saying, "i care about you" or maybe a way of saying, "i want to take an interest in your life."

so i tried it.

and a beautiful thing happened. my friend opened up. he shared his story because i cared. our friendship was strengthened. i learned more about who he is and why he is who he is. by simply closing my mouth and using my ears i was able to let go of my annoying desire to hear the sound of my own voice. such a simple thing- ask questions and shut up. today i succeeded. i hope we can all take a little time to listen and learn about the people around us. it was so easy once i decided to simply be quiet.

i am thankful

2008-11-27T09:58:00.003-07:00

i am thankful for...

-my wife! (talk about passion)
-the greatest black golden retriever of all time... kula d townley
-text messaging
-supportive parents
-books
-middle schoolers (am i the only one who might be thankful for such wild humans?)
-basketball... coaching, playing, watching
-my computer :) (now that i have a screen i can actually see!)
-super friends and family
-facebook
-gearattack.com
-flip flops
-adventures w/ kate (peace corps! italy bike trip!)
-and most of all, the love and grace of Jesus

happy thanksgiving :)

because of God

2008-11-23T21:46:00.002-07:00

it is hard for me to say i depend solely God when things are going well. i'm prone to forgetting that i NEED God always, not just when i think i need Him. i'm currently sick. i'm currently on the verge (less than a day away) of expanding my schedule and commitments. it seems to be one of those times when i'm awakened to the fact that i can't do it all on my own.

i wish i didn't forget that i can always cry out to God and rely on God. but right now, i cannot do it on my own. maybe that's the point- bring my life to a point where i can't say it was because of me. all i can say is that it was all God and that way i'm not tempted to take the credit. so if i make it through tomorrow, it won't be because of me, it will be because of God.

i'm also realizing that it is always that way... because of God.

the day of the infamous peace corps interview

2008-11-13T09:24:00.004-07:00

in just a couple hours i will be sitting down for my peace corps interview over the phone. the interview involves my wife and myself and it is expected to last 2 hours (seems kinda long to me!). honestly, it is hard to believe that the day of the interview is finally here. i guess the whole application process doesn't seem official until the interview takes place. with that said, i'm very excited to take the next step. but i am also a little concerned.

let me explain. i've always heard rumors about how the peace corps won't let you share your faith and it is taboo to do so. well, obviously, i will not give in to such a rule and i plan to share my faith if my wife and i are accepted. therefore, my concern lies in how this subject will be brought up and discussed within the interview. i will not compromise my relationship with Jesus.

i suppose all i can do is pray and trust that God knows best. my heart is willing to serve with the peace corps but my head is not yet convinced. soon i will find out! if you think of it, please pray for us...

God is bigger than tragedy

2008-11-06T15:18:00.003-07:00

i just recently found out that friend of mine committed suicide. he was 23 and a basketball teammate of mine in high school. a great guy. and he will be missed.

but the thing is this- i just can't seem to shake the fact that he is gone. we weren't super close but we were friends and when you care about someone, even in the least bit, it hurts when they're gone. it is weighing heavy on my heart mainly because i feel as if i missed my chance to share Jesus with him, to tell him about the love and hope that gives my life purpose. i'm broken because while i was a senior in high school, traveling from game to game on a bus together, spending hours together each day at practice, i was afraid to tell him about the faith that lives inside of me.

i feel as if i missed an opportunity. i feel as if i let God down and as if i let my friend down. i don't know if anyone ever told him or shared Jesus with him but i do know that i never did. and that fact breaks my heart.

never again do i want to blame myself for not sharing Jesus. never again do i want to let fear ruin the opportunities that God has put before me. i don't want to be the reason someone never gets a chance to know the God i know. we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with our friends because life is THAT fragile. it is a harsh reality that has flooded my soul with pain this week. tragedy happens but i just hope and pray that i tell everyone i meet about Jesus before the next tragedy falls on me.

again i'm ruined. i expect that this time it will move me to action.

i support voting...

2008-11-04T11:05:00.004-07:00

election day is here! finally! honestly, i'm glad the day has arrived because that also means that the campaigning will come to an end as well.

i think it is important to vote... and if you don't vote, don't complain. now that that is out of the way, i want to add this- today will not change the world. what we do tomorrow and everyday that follows will have the potential to change the world. it is what we do on a day to day basis that matters. the new president will not be the savior (this doesn't mean we don't pray for him to lead our country). i guess what i'm saying is that no matter who we vote for and no matter who wins the election we, as individuals, have the opportunity to make the world we live in a better place each day by the way we act and live.

let us move on from election day with a conviction to love and live like Jesus. because for me, that is something i can always vote for.

prison ball

2008-11-01T10:48:00.003-06:00

i had a unique opportunity on monday to play basketball in the youth prison here in montana. but it wasn't just unique because i was playing in a prison. i had been invited to go the weekend before. the challenge for me was two-fold. one, i didn't know any of the other guys who were going and two, i had no idea what "playing basketball at the prison" would entail. as i type out those challenges they appear to be pretty lame reasons.

however, i wasn't able to justify them as lame in the moment. i then spent the weekend trying to convince myself that this wasn't something i wanted to do, or even that God wanted me to do. as i wrestled it became obvious that it was something i needed to do. i believe God wanted to stretch me a little with this experience.

i finally committed to going about an hour before we left monday morning. i'm very thankful that i stepped across that line of my own fears.

i'll skip the details of "prison" because i don't think those details are necessary. what i learned, again (i'm sure i'll contain to learn over and over again in my life), is that everyone is a real person. it didn't matter that the young men i was on the court with had stolen, killed, drank too much, whatever. they were still people who aspired to be something, to live their lives. of course, they made some poor decisions along the way but they still deserve to be loved and shown kindness. they deserve the opportunity to hope for something more. and i couldn't have been more fulfilled during a basketball game. i relished the chance to just compete and treat them like a "normal" person. joke about a pass i made, or compliment them on a shot they made. it was real interaction.

i don't know if God moved in any of those young men during the 3 hours i spent with them. i do know that God asked me to go and play basketball with them and show them the love of Jesus. i did that and because i did what was asked i have peace in my heart. God has the rest. and i can't think of a better place for the fate of their souls to lie.

let God in

2008-10-24T11:37:00.002-06:00

i often suffer from the disease of thinking too highly of myself. i think that i accomplish great things. i think that i solve problems or answer prayers. i think that i save people or have creative ideas. i even try to cure myself of my own disease.

i'm learning that i only do great things, or solve problems, or have creative ideas because God is choosing to let me do said things. essentially, it is an issue of pursuing humbleness. i have to fight against myself and let God in, let God have control. it has not been nearly as simple and smooth of a process as i had hoped.

giving up control is not easy. but the little moments where i do let go and let God in i find that He moves in bigger and more powerful ways than i ever could have imagined. He wants me to stop taking credit and start giving credit. as i do this, my heart is slowly changed in a way that naturally produces humble, unselfish living.

give it a try- just let go and let God in. i think we'll all find that to be a welcomed cure.

stop going through the motions

2008-10-16T15:02:00.003-06:00

Jesus did not die on a cross for us to go through the motions. i am just as guilty as the next person for falling into the trap of lazy and boring. but what a load of junk to think our lives could ever be boring. there is no reason i should ever be bored.

Jesus came so that we may have life and have it to the full. not so we can have life and go through the motions. not so we can have life and sit around being bored. but so we can have life and have it the full. the most out of life. the best of life.

i have been convicted to challenge myself on this as of late. why am i sitting around surfing the internet (i know that seems hypocritical because this is on the internet. i'm sorry!) or flipping channels (i only have two that come in kinda clear) or just doing nothing at all? if i am bored all i have to do is take Jesus up on his offer to live life to the full. i suppose i should start doing things that Jesus might do. because from what i gather in the bible, Jesus' life was anything but boring.

it is time i started living my life to the full. i'm going to stop going through the motions and remember that Jesus hung on a cross so that i could live life to the full on his behalf instead of sitting around basking in boredom. go do something! we know that Jesus would...

tension with a purpose

2008-10-13T21:42:00.003-06:00

i hate it when i feel a tension inside of me but i don't know why. i feel like i need to cry but i don't know why. or maybe i need to scream. or maybe i just need to rest. but see, that's the problem. all these competing emotions create the tension that i can't seem to define or remedy.

it is awfully frustrating and confusing. i'm trying to pray that i would be attentive to these emotions and learn from them rather than asking God to remove them all together. it is as if i see some point to feeling all this tension. one question i'm asking is if the feeling has anything to do with my prayer to be ruined. perhaps i'm still being ruined and i must cry out that i am not strong enough (and never will be) to carry the burdens of the world by myself. the thing is, i want very badly to be part of God's solution.

a line in a song called "oh my god" by jars of clay sums up how i feel quite accurately. the lyric says-

if the world was how it should be maybe i could get some sleep.

i suppose i'm probably restless because God is ruining me. and until i do the things (everyday!) that God had called me to do i will feel a tension for the world to know Jesus. i don't see myself getting much sleep anytime soon...

i have been ruined

2008-10-09T12:20:00.003-06:00

i was recently inspired to pray a prayer that really scared me and made me vulnerable. I decided i wanted to be a FULLY devoted follower of Jesus and so i needed Jesus to ruin me, to put on my heart a burden for the world. i wanted my compassion to become an action. all of this lead me to praying for Jesus to ruin me.

and you'll never guess what happened. He did ruin me. my heart was broken for a friend. God allowed me to feel the pain of someone else. i didn't put up a wall and pretend like i couldn't relate or feel such grief. instead, i was left ruined and crying for the aching my friend was enduring. the challenging part is now acting like Jesus in a way that allows me to be there for my friend, comfort my friend, and pray for my friend. God moved me in a way that moved me to action. i cannot sit back and say, "oh yes, he must be hurting. i feel so bad for him." i am ruined. and i'm learning that ruined people don't sit back and watch. they act because Jesus acts.

it never felt so good to feel so bad...

unexpected blessings

2008-10-05T10:01:00.003-06:00

it is hard to find words to explain some things. as of right now, i feel that way. i have been blessed in a way i was not prepared to be blessed. i guess i feel as if i don't deserve it. in a way, i'm reminded of Jesus' death on the cross. he did it for us but we didn't deserve to have the Son of God die for our souls. it is always hard for me to put such love and grace in perspective. and it is apparently challenging for me to accept grace and love on a smaller scale as well.

essentially, i don't receive gifts very well. and this particular gift (which i am purposely being vague about) was one that moved me and consequently i'm having a hard time "responding" to it. i'm emotionally spent yet i have been given an emotional gift which therefore makes it hard to comprehend the blessings of God. to sum it up- i'm moved by the graciousness of God and i'm inspired to continue pursuing Him.

everyday i want to be fully devoted to the God who gives my life purpose regardless of whether i'm receiving gifts or not.

don't be afraid... be powerful, lovely and self-disciplined

2008-10-02T21:00:00.004-06:00

i'm afraid. i'm afraid a lot of the time. i'm afraid to work hard. i'm afraid to strive for something that would force me to rely on God in order for it to happen. i'm afraid to step outside of the comfortable easy life i live. i'm afraid to do what is expected of me and then some. i'm afraid to sacrifice. i'm afraid of living outside of montana. i'm afraid of the peace corps. i'm afraid of los angeles. i'm afraid of not being good enough. i'm afraid of being humbled. i'm afraid of being challenged. i'm afraid of letting my wife down. i'm afraid of letting God down. i'm afraid of giving up control of my life.

for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

2 timothy 1:7

why am i so afraid? God did not give me a spirit of fear! i can't seem to wrap my mind (and heart) around the fact that God has given me the necessary "things" to overcome the fear i have created within me. it must be time to supplant all my fears with a spirit of power, love and self-discipline the way God intended. goodbye fear...

you can't get divine moments back

2008-09-29T19:22:00.002-06:00

you can't get divine moments back. i learned that the hard way as i felt guilty a few hours after passing by the couple with the cardboard sign and decided i needed to act. i fixed up two chicken salad sandwiches and set back out on my longboard to deliver them. unfortunately, they were not there. i then proceeded to longboard around for a half hour trying to manufacture the moment God had already given me.

it hurts to type this. i tried to make it right. i tried to serve Jesus and people but i had missed my chance. i know that other chances will come and it may even be likely that i will have the opportunity to serve those people again but my weekend "mishap" still serves as a reminder that the moments God gives us our precious. eternity is at stake and that cry needs to fill me with an urgency to act when i hear God whisper in my heart. i pray that i won't lose another divine moment sitting right in front of my face.

bring a chicken salad sandwich... or two!

2008-09-27T16:10:00.004-06:00

i just went out longboarding (on my sweet homemade longboard!) and passed by a couple standing on the corner holding a cardboard sign. you know the "kind of people" i am talking about. i passed them as i was leaving my house and on the way back home. as i passed them the first time i thought to myself, "i should stop and talk with them. see if they like chicken salad sandwiches like i do. then bring them one after i make a couple at home." but something happened on the way home and i think it's called fear. i bailed completely. i even avoided eye contact. i feel like i failed when i heard God whisper something in my heart. i pretended i didn't hear correctly, or even at all.

there ya have it, a glimpse of my humanity. i wish i wasn't so easily afraid or so easily persuaded in my mind to pass up on an opportunity to live like Jesus. i wish i was all the buzz words- bold, strong, confident, real, loving. but i'm not. i'm trying to be those words. i guess the challenge still exists. i'm not perfect yet which i think is a good reminder that i need God, i need purpose. now i just need to act on it.

it is likely i'll be passing by that corner again in the near future. it is likely the couple with the cardboard sign will be standing there. i better be prepared with a few chicken salad sandwiches in the name of Jesus.

a God that never leaves...

2008-09-26T18:15:00.003-06:00

i've been encouraged recently knowing that God promises to never leave us. i see failing friendships and broken relationships all around. i see suffering and destruction. even though i see all this, i'm comforted knowing that God will never leave me. no matter how hard something is for me i know i can turn to God. since i have such hope, i think it is imperative to share that hope with others who feel abandoned or "left." if God is so committed to us that he promises to never leave shouldn't i be that committed to the people around me?

if we all do a little, we can do a lot

2008-09-20T16:53:00.003-06:00

i wonder how many times we are moved by things in the news, in this case the hurricanes, but moved just short of action. i know i'm guilty. i see people starving, dying, crying, hurting, fighting and i want to help but i always seem to stop just short of ACTually doing anything. if you're anything like me i'm sure you've been here before too. we see darfur being ripped to shreds, the conflicts between russia and georgia, hurricane katrina, but don't do anything about it. maybe we pray or even cry and that is our claim that we're doing something. prayer is great and i'm all for it but how long are we going to use it as an excuse? how long am i going to use it as an excuse for my inaction? God calls us to action and prayer, but he expects us to also be the feet to our prayers.

i'm torn as i write this because now i'm forcing myself to stop using prayer as an excuse lest i be a hypocrite (which i already am but i still try to stay away from it). so this is what i'm doing as i feel called to action- 1) i'm sending my money to help hurricane victims. i'm going to send it to ecclessia church in houston (read about what chris seay is doing here http://donmilleris.com/ ). 2) i'm going to contribute to my own community in a tangible way. for me this is looking like donating clothes, linens, and household items to families in need via Love INC ( www.loveinc.org ). 3) i'm doing my best to inspire those within my sphere of influence to join the cause as well. now i have an advantage because i help lead a middle school youth group so i have encouraged them to join in on living generously.

i hope we can all do something that brings our love to action not just because God wants us to but because we want to help the world for God.

lets all be a superhero

2008-09-18T08:55:00.002-06:00

there are people in life who are the greatest of encouragers. i had the fortunate experience of meeting with one such person yesterday and now i fee like a superhero! in the midst of healing and working through some challenges in my life it was just what i needed. i think its something we all need- a person who thinks we're great and cares and expresses that they think we matter on this big messed up planet.

at the same time, i might just be overly insecure (aren't we all?) and sometimes i think its lame that i need to feel affirmed by others when all i really need to strive for is affirmation from God. regardless, i pray and hope that i can let someone know i think they are a superhero too and that i wouldn't take for granted what it means when someone loves what you're doing.

this mentor of mine who thinks i'm a superhero (i keep saying that because it makes me feel good, so get over it!) sat in on the youth group i was leading/teaching and took some notes while digesting the whole evening of crazy middle schoolers. the next day when we got together he blew up at me with one positive, encouraging comment after another. i know i'm not perfect but i sure felt like it at that moment. and that is what i needed at that moment too! God is definitely in the business of putting people in our lives at just the right time! amen :)

so i guess what i'm saying is that i think its good to feel like a superhero every now and then and i think its good to make other people feel like superheros too! what are we waiting for???

applying for the peace corps

2008-09-15T11:35:00.001-06:00

as i continue to digest the events of the last week i'm finding clarity. my wife and i have long talked of applying to the peace corps (it was only a couple years away on the life plan) but we have now applied. we were spurred on to take that first step. my passion for living a life of serving Jesus and his people has not stopped and it will not stop. or maybe volunteering is my life calling. maybe that is everyone's life calling. do something that matters for the sake of someone else not something that matters for the sake of our wallets.

even in the midst of applying with clarity i am still scared. scared of a different world with different languages and different foods. scared of leaving family and friends and a puppy behind. but i think that fear is what we make it. i can control those fears and i overcome them. if i didn't decide to overcome them i have a feeling i would miss out on the blessings that will cover me while serving with the peace corps. as much as i am filled with fear i am filled with more trust and optimism that God will use me and kate in some country far away. oh, the possibilities when following an all powerful God. i can't help but love the adventure.

i am foolish... or trying to be

2008-09-13T23:02:00.004-06:00

i just can't stop thinking that i'm meant to deeply learn what it means to FOLLOW Jesus in my life. i'm beginning to learn that it means, to me, doing what i know He wants me to do and what He needs me to do even if it is uncomfortable or challenging or not what i ever expected.

thinking i have a job in which i would be paid and then finding out money doesn't exist to pay me is devasting. but then to think, or rather believe, that i need to continue with the job regardless of the financial compensation is foolish. the thing is- Jesus calls us to be foolish. i'm feeling that challenge right now. working for nothing doesn't make sense to me but doing what i'm passionate about and called to do does. this experience has shaped me to the point where i can say that i will not settle for comfortable but rather follow my God sized dreams. despite the hurt i have endured, i have been healed so i think i'm going to go with being foolish because being safe isn't worth the risk.

kula- the black golden retriever

2008-09-11T22:27:00.000-06:00

so the same day i had my heart broken and was inches from free falling into a state of depression a puppy was delivered to me. my puppy, kula, came from a humane society where she had been rescued from a man who was going to shoot her (and her litter mates) because he didn't want them. the neighbor offered to take the pups and then dropped them off at the humane society where my wife and i later adopted the adorable kula! the thing is this- i was broken and 3 hours later kula came into my life. at a time when i was doubting God and filled with bitterness and frustration at those "leading" me i was blessed with the pure joy of a puppy. God not only allowed us to rescue kula but she rescued me as well. i guess i sometimes forget or don't even imagine all the ways that God can show up in my life. even while i'm still healing a brighter day is always biting on my ankle (and hands, fingers, arms, nose, ears, toes) and i couldn't be happier about it.

ticked but trusting

2008-09-07T14:35:00.001-06:00

it happened. and it hurt horribly (as if there are other ways to hurt). my passion ran straight into a wall and halted. the year plan was thrown off course. honestly, i was immediately filled with anger and lots of frustration. frustration toward God. frustration toward the church. frustration with leaders. something was trying to thwart my passion. and rather quickly i'm at the crossroads. my dilemma is not which road to choose but my motivation in choosing.

God gave me a passion. i still have the opportunity to live out this passion. i guess it seems simple. God says do it. it is available to do. so i do it. but for free? after broken promises and weak attempts at communication. regardless of the fact that i hurt and the situation strains my trust in God shouldn't i follow Him anyway? He never promised easy.

i guess i'm going to throw common sense out here and listen to God sense (i know it is cheesy!). the fact is that i don't want to do what i think God wants me to do because it isn't comfortable and it stirs fire inside of me. but i'm going to follow after Jesus even though i'm battling bitterness and doubt. here goes nothing...

ministry- rewarding and frustrating

2008-09-03T20:19:00.000-06:00

i have a passion- share the love of Jesus with young people. currently, that means middle school students. doubt is looming, however, about the situation in which i'm currently living this passion. the frustrating part is that money is the issue. obviously, i'd do it for free but that's not realistic (and not fair). so i guess this is my introduction into the inside world of ministry and church.

the hard part is the helplessness i feel. i pray and i pray but that is making me feel helpless too. i need to trust God. i need to trust that if it falls through and i can't get paid my passion isn't meant to die. maybe that's the thing about passion... it can overcome adversity. so that is it. i'm gonna trust. and i'm not going to let the church kill passion to work with the church.